Pirates, Palm Trees & Pina Coladas
Copyright 2003 Mark Mekkes – this work is the sole property of it’s creator. No unauthorized producing or reproducing allowed. For printing rights or production information, contact zortic@yahoo.com
Scene One
(When the act opens, the tropical storm is going full
strength. The sound of strong winds and
rain is heard throughout the first scene.
Although you can’t really tell, due to the darkness outside, it is late
morning and the stage is empty until Wings enters from down left, struggling
with the door against the wind and shaking the water from her windbreaker. She crosses to the bar.)
WINGS
Hey, Shelly, you still alive?
(Shelly enters from her door.)
SHELLY
Shh, Sherri’s still sleeping.
WINGS
Are you serious?
SHELLY
Yeah, she can sleep through anything.
WINGS
If this
storm doesn’t wake her, I wouldn’t think anything would.
SHELLY
Good
point, yell all you want. (Laughs) Coffee?
WINGS
Please.
SHELLY
Yeah,
she’s always been a sound sleeper though.
When we were little, our dad used to find it amusing to wake us up for
school to the 1812 overture. Sherri was
young enough to develop an immunity to loud noises. I just developed a hatred of classical music. So how’s your plane?
WINGS
I checked
all the lines and it looks as secure as it’s going to get. Do you know anything about the Davis boat?
SHELLY
(Suspicious)
What about the Davis boat?
WINGS
It’s not in its slip.
SHELLY
Of course
it is… isn’t it?
WINGS
I was
hoping you were going to tell me that it was moved somewhere.
SHELLY
No, I
don’t know anything about it. Do you
think it went down?
WINGS
Must
have. How deep is the water out
there? Would we be able to see it?
SHELLY
Not in
this rain. But if it did go down we’ll
have to dredge it out once the weather clears.
WINGS
Weren’t
the friendly farmers going to stay aboard their little prize last night?
SHELLY
Sure, but
I put up the flags and shot the cannon.
WINGS
And would
they know what that means? I take it
they didn’t come in here, did they?
SHELLY
Maybe they
went right to the hotel.
WINGS
Possibly. Can you call Ernie?
SHELLY
The phones
are out.
(Both cross to the window down left.)
WINGS
Maybe I
should go out there and take a look.
(Doug enters from down right, also fighting the wind and rain.)
DOUG
My life
stinks!
WINGS
(Putting on her windbreaker,)
I don’t
think I want to hear this.
DOUG
The wind
blew my satellite dish out of alignment, so I can’t get the Playboy
channel. I have to resort to the old
primitive days of having to hold open a magazine!
WINGS
I knew I
didn’t want to hear this.
(Exits down left)
DOUG
Where’s
she going?
SHELLY
It looks
like that new boat sank in the storm.
DOUG
Oh no.
SHELLY
We’re
afraid they were aboard when it went down.
DOUG
Don’t you
think they’d have the sense to… never mind.
They didn’t come in here?
SHELLY
No. We were hoping they might have gone straight
to the hotel.
DOUG
I just
came from there. Everyone checked out
and headed for the mainland. No one
there but Ernie and the dog. (pause)
They don’t have the Playboy channel either.
WINGS
(Reenters from down left)
Well, the
lines weren’t broke, it looks like they were thrown off.
DOUG
You don’t
think that Captain Chuck took them out in this do you? Even he can’t be that crazy.
WINGS
Yes he
can.
SHELLY
Well, at
least we know that if anyone can handle themselves on a sailboat in a tropical
storm, it’s our Captain. I know he’s
weathered worse than this. He probably
took them out just to scare them into going back to Iowa.
(Captain Chuck enters from down right)
CAPTAIN
Good lord,
‘tis the worst storm I’ve ever seen.
‘Tis the kind of gale that makes mighty sailor folk weep like babies.
SHELLY
You’re here?
CAPTAIN
Aye, can’t
let a little thing like the end of the world get in the way of a little
nip. Say, what happened to that new
ketch?
DOUG
Should we
start to panic now?
SHELLY
I’d say
this is a good time.
WINGS
Should we
call the Coast Guard?
CAPTAIN
Coast
Guard? Why would you want to call them?
SHELLY
Why would
they go out in the middle of this?
CAPTAIN
Who? Go out in what?
DOUG
Maybe it’s
a Midwest thing.
(Sherri enters sleepily)
SHERRI
What’s
going on? Is it still storming?
SHELLY
Sherri,
darling, did you see what happened to that new ketch?
DOUG
She
doesn’t even realize it’s storming and you’re asking for her insights? You know her powers of observation aren’t
her best asset.
SHELLY
She was on
the roof last night, she had the best view of the docks. (to Sherri) Now, think hard, Honey,
when you were raising the flag, did you happen to see that new boat in its
slip?
SHERRI
Oh
yeah. No. It was sailing out when I was raising the flag. It must be way out to sea by now.
CAPTAIN
Are ye
sayin’ that young couple took that boat out in the middle of this tempest?
DOUG
Okay, so
they’re dead. At least they didn’t
leave their wreckage clogging up your marina.
WINGS
Didn’t you
hear anything over the radio?
SHELLY
I’ve had
the radio off. I didn’t think anyone
was going to be out in this mess.
(Everyone runs to the bar where Shelly has a multiband radio.)
KEVIN
(Voice over from the radio.)
…someone
out there, please! Any one!!!
SHELLY
(into the radio)
This is
Sea Shelly’s. Kevin, it’s Shelly, try
to relax and tell me what your situation is.
KEVIN
(voice over)
We’re
sinking. Fast!
WINGS
(Takes the radio from Shelly)
Kevin,
this is Wings. Can you tell us where
you are?
KEVIN
(voice
over)
There’s water all around us. Be must be somewhere in the middle of the ocean!
WINGS
Great. “Navigators of the damned.” I’m going out looking for them. I’ll be on this frequency. Keep him talking and try to find out where
he is.
SHELLY
Be
careful!
(Wings runs out down left, Shelly goes back to the radio.)
SHELLY
Okay,
Kevin, are you alone?
KEVIN
(voice
over)
Kelly is upstairs trying to keep the sails on. The ropes keep breaking in the wind.
SHELLY
Tell her
to stop, let them go and just hold on.
The sails aren’t important right now.
Wings is coming to look for you.
Tell Kelly to stay up top and keep watch for the plane.
KEVIN
(voice
over)
Okay. (pause) Now what?
SHELLY
Now,
Kevin, we need to figure out where you are.
KEVIN
(voice
over)
I don’t know where we are.
SHELLY
That’s
okay, I’m just going to ask you some questions and we’ll figure this out, okay?
KEVIN
(voice
over)
Okay.
SHELLY
What time
did you leave?
KEVIN
We left
about twelve hundred hours.
SHELLY
What does
that mean?
CAPTAIN
That’s
military time, Kevin.
SHELLY
(into the radio)
We don’t
use military time, Kevin.
KEVIN
(voice
over)
You don’t?
SHELLY
I don’t
know military time. What’s twelve
hundred hours?
CAPTAIN
That would
be about noon.
SHELLY
(into
radio)
That’s
impossible, Kevin. Twelve hundred hours
means noon and you were with us until at least ten o’clock last night.
KEVIN
(voice over)
But that’s
what it said on the VCR… Oh no, I forgot to set the VCR.
(Doug laughs.)
SHELLY
Sherri saw
you sailing when we set off the warning cannon. Does that sound about right?
KEVIN
(voice
over)
Warning cannon?
SHELLY
Yes, that
was the signal to secure your craft and find safe shelter.
KEVIN
(voice
over)
We thought you were firing at us.
DOUG
Should have.
SHELLY
What were
you doing setting sail in the middle of the night?
KEVIN
(voice
over)
We, uh, thought it would be a good time to practice sailing, when no one else was out here.
SHELLY
Hold on
Kevin. (to the others) Okay,
help me out. We got the storm warning
at around two thirty. What time is it
now?
DOUG
About
quarter to eleven.
SHELLY
Okay, so
what is that? Seven hours?
DOUG
Eight.
SHELLY
Eight
hours. Captain, what’s the maximum
speed for a ketch that size?
CAPTAIN
There’s no
way they’re getting any more than 17 knots out of ‘er.
SHELLY
(grabs a
calculator and starts computing)
Eight
hours, seventeen knots…
KEVIN
(voice over)
OH MY GOD!
SHELLY
What is
it, Kevin?
KEVIN
(voice over)
The wall
just broke open and there’s water pouring in here. We’re tilting sideways!
WINGS
(voice over)
Kevin,
this is Wings again. I’m in the air and
I’m on my way. But visibility is really
bad up here, so I’m going to need all the help you can give me to find you,
understand?
KEVIN
(voice over)
Yes, I
understand.
SHELLY
Wings, we
have a search radius of about 175 miles.
WINGS
(voice over)
Great! Thanks, Base, that helps.
CAPTAIN
It sounds
like they’ve run up on a shoal.
(Shelly pulls out a chart and spreads it out on the bar.)
SHELLY
Wings, the
Captain says it sounds like they’re on a shoal, I’m checking a chart now.
KEVIN
(voice over)
We’re
sinking!
SHELLY
Kevin, do
you have your life jackets on?
KEVIN
(voice over)
Yes.
SHELLY
Do you
have a raft?
KEVIN
(voice over)
I don’t
know, what does it look like?
WINGS
(voice over)
Any
directions for those reefs yet?
SHELLY
Captain?
CAPTAIN
Northeast,
bearing 48 degrees, true north.
SHELLY
Northeast,
bearing 48 degrees, true north, about ten nautical miles.
WINGS
(voice over)
I’m on my way.
KEVIN
(voice over)
Hurry, I don’t see Kelly!
SHELLY
Hold on, Kevin. This may take some time.
SHERRI
Shelly? Where’s the treasure map?
SHELLY
The map?
(Everyone pauses and looks at the empty space on the wall.)
DOUG
(smiles)
Ah… tourists!
SHELLY
Captain, do you remember
where the map said that island is?
CAPTAIN
I think so. (points to the chart) I’d bet me
bilge pumps that it’s around here.
SHELLY
Okay, now, assuming a
straight course, are there any reef between here and there?
DOUG
You’re assuming a straight course? With
them?
SHELLY
It’s all we’ve got. (into the radio) Wings, come
about, 200 degrees due west about twenty nautical from our location.
WINGS
(voice over)
I’m bouncing around like a
volleyball up here. What are you
pulling on me, Shell?
SHELLY
We’ve got a lead,
Wings. It looks like they have the
treasure map. We think they were going
after DeGuerre’s hideout. Give it a
shot.
KEVIN
(voice over)
We would have shared it.
WINGS
(voice over)
Sure you would have.
KEVIN
(voice over)
Really, we would have!
WINGS
(voice over)
Alright, alright. Relax, I’m on my way.
KEVIN
(voice over)
Hurry, Kelly’s
unconscious, I think she’s dead!
SHELLY
Can you get to her, Kevin?
KEVIN
(voice over)
No. I can’t reach her!
CAPTAIN
(grabbing the radio)
Damn it, you powder
monkey, I don’t care how you do it, but you get yerself to the lady, you hear
me!
SHELLY
(taking back the radio)
Kevin, tie a rope around
your waist and make your way to her.
DOUG
And tie the other end to
the boat. (They look at Doug who
looks back innocently) Well, he might not, you
know.
SHELLY
And tie the other end to
the boat, Kevin. Remember to always
keep hold of the boat with one hand.
KEVIN
(voice over)
It’s sinking.
SHELLY
I know it is, Kevin. But just hold on for now.
WINGS
(voice over)
I’m there, but I don’t see
a damn thing.
SHELLY
Kevin, have you gotten
Kelly yet?
KEVIN
(voice over)
Yes, I have her.
SHELLY
How is she?
KEVIN
(voice over)
She’s unconscious.
SHELLY
Is she breathing, Kevin?
KEVIN
(voice over)
I think so.
SHELLY
Good, now Kevin, I want
you to keep a close watch for Wings.
Listen carefully for the sound of her plane.
KEVIN
(voice over)
All I hear is the
wind. Oh my god, the waves are coming
over the top!
WINGS
(voice over)
Good grief, remind me
never to go to Iowa.
SHELLY
Wings?
WINGS
(voice over)
I have them. These idiots were way off course.
SHELLY
Did you hear that,
Kevin? She’s coming to get you.
KEVIN
(voice over)
She thinks we’re idiots?
DOUG
Yeah… So?
SHELLY
Kevin, do you hear her
plane?
KEVIN
(voice over)
We’re not idiots.
SHELLY
Kevin! Do you hear her plane?
KEVIN
(voice over)
And we would have shared
the treasure…
SHELLY
KEVIN!!!
KEVIN
(voice over)
I think so.
WINGS
(voice over)
They’re right in the
middle of this monster reef. I don’t
know how I’m going to get down to them.
KEVIN
(voice over)
My knees are underwater!
WINGS
(voice over)
Easy there, big fella, I’m
gonna try putting her down on one of the swells and hope the undertow doesn’t
tear out her bottom. I’m going off for
a bit, Shell. If you don’t hear from
me… Aw hell, you know the drill.
SHELLY
She’s turned off her
radio.
(There is a long silence as everyone sits waiting, afraid to speak. The thunder and lightning continue to blaze through the windows to accent the danger going on out at sea. Once it seems that they’ve waited too long…)
DOUG
Do you think…?
WINGS
(voice over)
Shelly?
SHELLY
(voice over)
Go ahead, Wings.
WINGS
(voice over)
I’ve got ‘em. I’m coming home with a cargo full of
fruitcakes. What do you say you start a
fresh pot of coffee.
SHELLY
(smiles)
I think you’ve even earned
a free donut too. Come on home.
BLACKOUT
Scene Two
(The scene has
changed to evening of that same day.
The storm is over and everyone is safe and sound inside. Wings, the Captain and Doug are sitting at
the Bar while Shelly cleans. Doug is
reading a magazine, the Captain is getting steadily more drunk, and Wings sits
silently fuming. Kevin and Kelly sit
down left looking out to sea. This tableau
is held in a long awkward silence, until Kevin rises and begins to cross toward
Wings. Shelly races around the bar to
intercept him.)
SHELLY
Don’t do
it, Kevin. Just go sit back down and
leave her alone.
KEVIN
But, she’s
going to hate us.
SHELLY
Well,
yes. Yes, Kevin, she is. But right now she’s doing a very good job of
not doing anything about it. So,
please, let’s not push the issue, all right?
KEVIN
But this
is ridiculous. All of us sitting around
afraid to talk.
DOUG
The door’s
still pretty easy to find.
KELLY
I don’t
know if you noticed, Doug, but our boat sunk.
We lost everything. We have
nowhere to go!
DOUG
I’d
suggest the hotel, but I know that Ernie sprays for pests.
KELLY
We lost
all our money and credit cards on the boat too.
KEVIN
Believe me, Doug, if we had somewhere else to go, we would.
DOUG
I’m sure
we can think of some place you can go.
Wings, do you want to tell them where to go?
CAPTAIN
(Obviously drunker than ever.)
Doug, me
boy, why… why are ye jus’ antangonizin’ things. Jus’ let the wind blow thinks where they will. The gods make ever’thing happen fer a
reason. ‘Tis fate, fate that leads us,
shapes us, and brings us here! It’s
just like the time… the time… It’s just like the time… I had way too much to
drink. (He passes out on the bar.)
DOUG
He sounds
like Sherri.
KEVIN
Doug, why
do you hate us so much?
DOUG
I don’t
hate you. As a matter of fact, I like
that they’re picking on someone other than me when you’re around. (Loudly, to the room) I want everyone to note, that I had
nothing to do with sinking their boat!
Thank you!
SHELLY
Doug, sit
down! Kevin, please just let things be.
(Kevin returns to his seat. All is silent again. Suddenly, Sherri bubbles in, obviously oblivious to the tension in the room.)
SHERRI
Wow, what
a great day! I can’t wait to go to
bed. I love it after it rains. Everything is going to be all wet and clean
and slushy. I’m going up to sleep right
now and I’m going to have some sloppy wet dreams. Good night!
(She exits quickly up the stairs. Dough silently rises and strolls to the stairs.)
SHELLY
Doug.
DOUG
Yes.
SHELLY
Where are
you going?
DOUG
Upstairs.
SHELLY
No, you’re
not.
DOUG
I was just
going to check for owls.
SHELLY
No you’re
not.
DOUG
What about
spy satellites.
SHELLY
No.
DOUG
But she’s
going to have wet dreams! She needs me…
I know, paper towels! She’s going to
need paper towels!
SHELLY
Sit down,
Doug.
DOUG
But,
sloppy wet dream…
SHELLY
Sit down,
Doug.
DOUG
You know
we’re destined to…
SHELLY
SIT DOWN,
DOUG!!!
DOUG
FINE!!!
(There is another long awkward silence. Finally Kevin stands up and starts screaming.)
KEVIN
All
right! All right! I’m sorry I lost the map! Okay, I was scared, I was confused, and I
dropped it in the ocean by accident. Okay,
I said it, is everyone happy. It’s all
my fault. I lost the map. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did. All right!!!
WINGS
(coldly)
The map?…
You’re upset about losing the map?
KEVIN
Oh, and
scratching your plane too.
SHELLY
Easy, Wings, don’t…
WINGS
Scratching
my plane? Oh yes, scratching my
plane! I was pretty lucky to just get
my plane scratched, wasn’t I? Of course
it did just happen to be a new paint job.
But let’s talk about nearly crashing my plane by landing it in a reef
during a storm… the plane my father left me.
My livelihood! And how about a
little thing like risking my own life for you morons, huh? About nearly breaking my neck. But I’m sure that doesn’t bother you. You have more important things to be
apologetic for… Like loosing some damn fake map!!!
KELLY
He said he
was sorry for losing the map.
WINGS
(to Shelly)
Since I
saved them, aren’t their lives now mine to take?
DOUG
Yes!
SHELLY
No,
Wings. Doug. Please, everyone, can’t we all just get along peacefully tonight.
(Suddenly, the dockside door bursts open and a fanatical looking woman enters carrying a machine gun.)
DANIELLE
Freeze. Anyone moves and they’re dead!
WINGS
Oh good,
yes, of course, a hold up! This just
makes my day complete! That’s it! That’s the final straw!
SHELLY
Wings, no!
DANIELLE
Forget the
heroics, tough gal!
WINGS
You’re
damn right! Risking my ass for these
jerks is growing old real fast. I’ve
done my share for one day, you people are on your own!
(She sits back at her place on the bar and turns her back on the action.)
KEVIN
I said I
was sorry!
DOUG
She was
just about to kill him. Can she have a
minute to do that first?
DANIELLE
Everyone
shut up and sit down! Who’s in charge
here?
SHELLY
I’m the
owner, what do you want?
DANIELLE
The
fortune, of course.
SHELLY
The cash
register is over there, but I didn’t do much business with the storm. You won’t get much.
DANIELLE
I don’t
care about your lousy cash register.
Not when you’re hiding the treasure of Pierre DeGuerre.
KELLY
The treasure?
DOUG
You think
we have the treasure? Would we be
sitting here so cheerfully if we had the treasure?
DANIELLE
I don’t
need your input, Pretty Boy.
DOUG
Pretty
boy? Hey, that’s right, you don’t know
me? Do you?
DANIELLE
Should I?
DOUG
(seductively)
I’ll say
you should.
SHELLY
Doug, she
has a gun.
DOUG
Yeah, but
she doesn’t know me! (to Danielle)
So what’s your name? Where’re
you from? What’s your sign?
DANIELLE
(She sticks the gun under Doug’s chin)
Are you
volunteering to die first?
DOUG
(Points to
Kevin and Kelly) They have it!
Talk to them! (to the Davis’)
You heard her, kids. Give her the
treasure. (to Danielle) See how
helpful I can be? (goes back to the
bar) Mental note; no more women
with guns.
KEVIN
Uhm, hi,
excuse me, I’m Kevin Davis and this is my wife Kelly. You still haven’t met us.
KELLY
Hi. We’re the KD’s
DANIELLE
I don’t
care.
KEVIN
We don’t
have the treasure, but… well, as long as you’re here… It’s just that we’ve
never met a real Caribbean pirate before.
My wife really loves Errol Flynn movies.
KELLY
We just
saw “Captain Blood” on TV last week.
Could we get a picture with you?
KEVIN
But a
picture of all of us together would be great.
Maybe Shelly has an eye patch or a parrot or something you could borrow.
DANIELLE
Get away
from me. I’m not a tourist attraction;
I’m a killer. Give me the treasure or
I’ll demonstrate for you.
KELLY
But we
don’t have the treasure?
DANIELLE
Nice
try. But as I was cooped up this
morning listening to the storm, I had my radio on when I intercepted your
little radio drama. I jotted down the
coordinates you mentioned and went out to the island once the weather
cleared. The island fit great granddad’s
description perfectly, right down to the burned out schooner in the lagoon. So I get out and take a look around and, as
you know, the treasure’s not there. My
family’s been watching for this treasure and collecting every scrap of
information ever since it’s been lost, so I know no one else has gotten
it. Obviously someone got there ahead
of me, and since you’re the first people in two hundred years to have gotten a
hold of the map, it wasn’t too hard to figure out. So, my next step was to track you down.
KELLY
But we
never got the treasure. Kevin lost the
map in the storm.
KEVIN
I said I
was sorry.
DANIELLE
I see that
I’ve stumbled into the island drama club.
Give up the comedy show and give me the goods. The treasure belongs to me!
SHELLY
Look, we
found that map in a crate being used for stuffing. We weren’t the first ones to find it. It’s been around.
Obviously someone else got their hands on it and found the treasure a
long time ago. If the map was still
valuable, it wouldn’t have been thrown away like that.
(Danielle slips behind Kevin, grabs him and holds the gun to his head.)
DANIELLE
Not a bad
theory. Do you care to risk somebody’s
life on that story? Or do you want to
hand it over?
KELLY
Kevin!!!
KEVIN
Stay back,
Pumpkin Pie.
DANIELLE
“Pumpkin
Pie”? I should shoot you just for that.
DOUG
No! Let him go!
Take me instead!
SHELLY
Doug?
DOUG
I have
this reoccurring fantasy about being kidnapped and tortured by a beautiful
female pirate.
DANIELLE
You’re
pathetic.
WINGS
Now she’s
on to you, pal. Your chance with her is
over.
SHELLY
Wings,
won’t you do something?
KELLY
Someone
please do something. She’s got my
Kevin.
WINGS
Sorry,
I’ve fulfilled my quotient of death defying stunts for one day. You folks are just going to have to fight it
out among yourselves. (she calmly
returns to her drink)
DANIELLE
Look, all
this talk is cute, but if you don’t start producing some gold and jewels,
there’s going to be some brains spattered here.
DOUG
At least
it won’t be a very big mess.
(Kevin goes into a tirade and tries to attack Doug. Daniel struggles to keep her grip on him)
KEVIN
That’s it
Doug! I’ve had it with your stupid
little comments! If you want to say
something, let’s take it outside, tough guy!
DOUG
Bring it
on, Preppie!
DANIELLE
Do any of
you people know what’s going on here? I
have a gun! I intend to use it!
KELLY
She’s
right; this is a crisis situation. We
have a common enemy, we’re suppose to bond together.
DANIELLE
Don’t
agree with me, understand? Don’t ever
agree with me. Especially you! Just do what I tell you. Give me the treasure!
SHELLY
She’s
right, Captain, forget it. She’s got us
right where she wants us. You may as
well get up.
DANIELLE
What’s he
doing? Wake him up.
SHELLY
Oh, he’s
not really asleep. He thinks it’s some
kind of sneak attack. Forget it,
Captain, she’s not going to fall for it.
DANIELLE
That’s an
attack?
SHELLY
Yea, he
pretends to be asleep until his victim comes to wake him up. Then he attacks. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but it usually works. But you’re obviously not going to fall for
it. (She slips under the Captain’s
arm and hoists him out of his chair.) See he’s only faking. Captain, get up.
(Danielle is now next to Shelly and the Captain when Shelly tosses the limp form of the Captain on Danielle. Everyone goes down in a clump. Kelly screams. Doug slips out the door behind the bar. Shelly grabs the machine gun and Wings calmly pulls a pistol out of her jacket and points it at Danielle. Danielle rises with the still unconscious Captain held in front of her and a large knife pointed at his throat.)
DANIELLE
Well
aren’t we clever. Nice move, Missy, but
it looks as though the best you could do was a stalemate. And I bet I have a bit more experience
killing people than you do. So unless
you intend to shoot me through your friend, I suggest you drop your guns.
(Shelly and Wings consider their options carefully before finally dropping their guns. Danielle drops the Captain and picks up her machine gun kicking the pictures out of the way.)
SHELLY
Look, we
don’t want anyone hurt. You got
us. If we had the treasure we’d give it
to you. But we don’t If you’ll just leave… we won’t tell anyone…
I swear.
DANIELLE
Sorry,
beautiful, but I have a famous name, not a famous face. If none of you has the treasure then your
usefulness to me is over. (waves her
gun) So who wants to go first?
KELLY
Oh my god,
Kevin
DANIELLE
I like all
of the old “walking the plank” and “keel hauling” stories, but sometimes a
little old fashioned splash of blood is nice and colorful when it’s not your
place to clean up. What do you say,
Troublemaker. You ready to be first?
(She points the gun to Shelly’s head and is about to pull the trigger when suddenly the sound of a low flying plane blasts the building and lights flash past the windows. Everyone is stunned as the radio behind the bar comes to life.)
DOUG
(voice over)
This is
the United States Coast Guard. Release
the hostages and throw down your weapons.
This is the Coast Guard, come out with your hands up.
DANIELLE
Merde! How did they know I was here?
WINGS
We aren’t
the only one’s who can be tracked.
DANIELLE
(Looking out the window.)
Just one
plane?
SHELLY
Disappointed?
WINGS
Does that hurt your poor little ego?
DANIELLE
I can
dodge one plane easy enough.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to save my ammo. So you get off the hook this time. When that plane makes it’s next pass, I’m leaving. Follow me, or track me down and I’ll make
the time to come back for all of you.
DOUG
(Voice over)
This is
your last chance. Drop your weapon and
leave the building.
(Once again the plane flies past from stage left to right. Danielle bursts out the door and runs. Sounds of machine gun fire and a boat motor are heard. Kevin and Kelly run to the window. The sounds fade into the distance. Wings advances menacingly to the radio. She grabs the mike away from Shelly.)
WINGS
Doug, listen to me carefully. You are now going to tell me that is not my plane you are joyriding in, understand.
DOUG
(Voice over)
Joy riding!
WING
Doug…
DOUG
(Voice over)
Look,
Sweetheart, it was the only plane handy.
WINGS
You don’t
fly.
DOUG
(Voice over)
What does
it look like I’m doing? I told you I’ve
been at the library reading about it all week.
WINGS
Reading
about it is a whole lot different than taking my plane up!
DOUG
(Voice over)
The
controls are exactly like the ones in the book. It was easy. Besides,
it’s the middle of the night, I have the whole sky to practice with. I figured it would be a good time to
learn. And, might I point out, that I
got rid of our friendly neighborhood pirate.
I radioed the real Coast Guard and they’re picking her up even as we
speak. I have a really good view from
up here. Three choppers and five
gunboats. Very impressive. They’re dragging her way in chains now. Sailors have all the fun.
WINGS
Okay you
moron, you’re in the air. Did you give
any thought to how you were going to land?
DOUG
(Voice over)
No
problem. I read that chapter twice.
WINGS
You’ve
never read anything in your life that didn’t have a centerfold!
DOUG
(Voice over)
You’re
still being critical.
WINGS
Critical? Get your butt down here and you’ll be
critical!
DOUG
(Voice over)
That’s not
really a very good incentive. Come on,
you can do better. How about something
a little bit more encouraging. Maybe
starting off with a little wine on the warm sand of a deserted beach, or
clothing washing away with the tide… I’ll use safe sex.
WINGS
It won’t
be very safe when I tear you into pieces so small that you’ll have to lie about
their size.
DOUG
(Voice over)
Kinky!
WINGS
You better
pray that you’re killed trying to land, because I’m going to make it slow and
painful!
DOUG
(Voice over)
If you’re
just going to be mean, I’m not going to talk to you any more.
WINGS
Don’t you
dare turn off that radio you son of a…
SHELLY
Too late,
you scared him off.
WINGS
I scared
him off? Do you think my blood pressure
is always this high?
KELLY
He looks
like he’s circling around for a landing.
WINGS
One
scratch! Just one scratch and he’s
castrated!
KEVIN
Is it
suppose to do that?
WINGS
He’s over
compensating.
KEVIN
Where’s he
going?
KELLY
He’s going
to crash!
SHELLY
He’s
heading toward the docks!
WINGS
He’s
coming in too low! Pull up! Pull up!!!
(The plane buzzes by one more time from right to left. Then a tremendous flash and explosion bursts from off stage left. Everyone is stunned in to silence. The light of a fire continues to glow from left.)
KELLY
Did he get
out?
SHELLY
Did anyone
see him?
KEVIN
Could he
have jumped out?
SHELLY
He would
have had to jump into the water; I don’t think he had enough time. Besides, we would have seen him.
KEVIN
Are you sure?
WINGS
We all
watched it. Nobody saw him. He had to have been in the plane.
SHELLY
Wings,
your plane…
WINGS
The plane
can be replaced.
(Everyone crosses over to the window to watch the burning
wreckage.)
SHELLY
That took a lot of guts.
WINGS
And quick
thinking. I never expected that of
him. He saved our lives. Maybe Doug’s more than we thought he was. He wasn’t just a jerk, when the chips were
down; he did the right thing at the right time without thinking about himself.
KEVIN
I guess
you never know who the real heroes are going to be.
WINGS
I was
wrong about him.
KELLY
He never
tried to seduce me.
(Everyone looks at Kelly with stunned silence before turning back to his or her silent meditations. Sherri enters from the top of the stairs in a state of shock. She slowly walks down and crosses to the group.)
SHERRI
Excuse me,
everyone, Shelly, can I see you a minute.
SHELLY
Sherri?
SHERRI
I just had
a divine revelation.
SHELLY
Now isn’t
the time…
SHERRI
Shelly,
I’m serious. I was sound asleep and he
came to me.
SHELLY
What? Who?
SHERRI
A
man. The man! He came from the heavens to be with me. It’s a sign.
SHELLY
A man?
SHERRI
Yes, a man
from heaven. I never have to be alone
again. He must be some kind of angel.
EVERYONE
WHAT!?!?!
(Doug suddenly appears through the upstairs door covered in gold and jewelry, glittering in the golden aura the fiery light. The Alleluia chorus may not be inappropriate here. He slowly walks down the stairs.)
CAPTAIN
(Waking
up)
Dear god
almighty, Doug’s gone gay! I knew that
he’d snap one day. He was over
compensatin’ with that macho stuff.
KEVIN
Doug, what happened?
DOUG
Treasure…
She’s got all of the treasure up there.
I jumped out… and I landed… (Gestures to Sherri as he tries to find
the words.) I landed… and she was
all… and there was this treasure…
KELLY
The pirate
treasure?
CAPTAIN
Them’s the
coins of Pierre DeGuerre all right.
SHERRI
See I told
you that exposing my bosom to the Milky Way would have meaning. I’ve met the man for me.
DOUG
I just
fell… and she was… and the hammock broke… and I…
SHERRI
They gods
don’t want me to be alone! I have been
sent one who loves me. (to Doug)
You are the gift of manna to my life.
WINGS
Where did
you get all this stuff?
SHERRI
Lat night
TV public access cable shows.
SHELLY
No,
no. She means all the gold and jewels,
sweetie?
SHERRI
Oh, it was
on the map.
WINGS
The
treasure map?
SHERRI
Yeah.
KEVIN
And you
just went and got it?
SHERRI
Sure.
KELLY
Just like
that?
SHERRI
Sure, how
hard is it to follow a map. I just went
where it said to while I was out collecting shells. (Clutching Doug) Oh it’s so nice to know heaven has sent
me someone. I don’t have to be alone
anymore. I don’t have to hide myself
away any more.
WINGS
Welcome
back, Sherri.
SHERRI
Thanks,
Wings.
DOUG
I’m so
confused. Will someone please tell me
what’s going on?
SHERRI
(Leading
Doug back up the stairs) Come on, we
have to get to know each other. We were
destined to be together you know!
CAPTAIN
We’ll
still be havin’ a problem though. If
word gets out that she has that treasure, Danielle DeGuerre will be swooping in
on us like a hawk. We won’t stand a
chance against her.
WINGS
Captain,
let me buy you a drink and tell you the story about how you saved us all from
the clutches of that vile pirate, Danielle DeGuerre. You see, you were faking her out with your old “pretending to be
asleep” trick when…
BLACKOUT