Pirates, Palm Trees & Pina Coladas
By Mark Mekkes
Copyright 2003 Mark Mekkes – this work is the sole property of it’s creator. No unauthorized producing or reproducing allowed. For printing rights or production information, contact zortic@yahoo.com
Characters:
Shelly Dreyfus: The owner of “Sea Shelly’s Shanty”
Captain Chuck: An old retiree who enjoys reliving
the past
“Wings” Harrington: The
Island’s pilot and protection
Doug Brookfield: The
local pervert
Sherri Dreyfus: Shelly’s younger sister.
Kevin Davis: Yuppie landlubber
Kelly Davis: Wife of the Yuppie landlubber
Danielle Deguerre: Current
day “Treasure Seeker” aka Pirate
Act One
Scene One
(Sea Shelly’s Shanty, Late morning. The action starts on Little Duck Key, one of
the smaller islands in the Florida Keys.
Sea Shelly’s Shanty is a combination bar, souvenir shop, and yacht
club. There is a small bar upstage
right with an exit to Shelly’s living quarters. A stairway leads up left to the roof. The front door stands down right with another door leading to the
docks down left.
And, of course, a ceiling fan throws a slowly spinning
shadow around the room. The play opens
with Shelly entering from her back room and turning on the lights. She crosses to the bar and turns on the bar
lights, coffee machine and anything else that seems appropriate. She gives a final check, then crosses to the
front door, unlocks it, flips the closed sign to “open” and calls out the front
door.)
SHELLY
Okay, come
on in! I’m ready.
(A figure emerges from behind the sofa down left. It is Captain Chuck who pulls himself
upright and staggers to the bar, startling Shelly. Captain Chuck is a burly Hemingway-esk man who looks remarkably
like one of the little wooden figures on the souvenir shelves.)
SHELLY
Oh,
morning Captain. Where you here all
night?
CAPTAIN
Aye,
Ma’am, seems a waste to stagger on to me own quarters just to weather me way
back the next morn’.
SHELLY
It can’t
be too comfortable sleeping on the floor like that?
CAPTAIN
That’s the
beauty o’ stayin’ here, lass. I’m
already here to take care of me poor achin’ bones. Now, be a darlin’ and set me up right away, will you Sweetheart.
SHELLY
How can I
say no to that face. The usual? Rum and Coke?
CAPTAIN
Aye, ‘tis
the breakfast o’ champions. But be
takin’ it easy on the cola, Miss. The
doctor says that the caffeine ain’t good for me old nerves.
SHELLY
Aye, aye,
Captain. (As she serves him his
drink, Wings enters from the dockside door and crosses to the bar.) Wings, back already?
WINGS
Anyone
miss me?
SHELLY
Of course,
coffee?
WINGS
Of course.
CAPTAIN
Welcome
back, Lass. That little seaplane of
your pappy’s still flyin’?
WINGS
(Crossing
to the bar)
Sure, I just have to change the rubber band
every few thousand miles. (She hands
Shelly some money) Here, Shelly, I
filled up the tank.
SHELLY
Thanks.
CAPTAIN
So how old
is that bird now?
WINGS
Old
enough. Dad bought it used back in ’57…
CAPTAIN
Did I
every tell you about the time, back in ’62, when your pappy and me flew down to
Cuba to stir up trouble? (Shelly and
Wings make themselves comfortable as they prepare for the story.) Yer old man’n me was drinkin’ pretty heavy
back in them days. Anyway, with the
tension in these parts so thick you could cut it, we went on a bender and
decided to go down there and teach those missile hugging commies some
manners. He flew us right past both our
patrol boats and radar, right into some small town harbor. Next thing you know, we’re strolling into
some local town, cocky as you please, and start ourselves a good old fashion
bar brawl. We beat the tar outta a
whole group of those cockroaches, then snuck out of there before anyone was the
wiser. Them bastards never knew what
hit ‘em.
SHELLY
You two
certainly lived the life.
WINGS
It’s a
wonder you didn’t start World War III
CAPTAIN
We tried our damnedest.
SHELLY
So, Wings,
how was South America?
WINGS
Long, I
had to fly around a tropical depression coming back. Took almost four hours.
If that thing swings this way we’re gonna have a hell of a blow.
SHELLY
(Setting a
drink in front of Wings)
How were
the clients?
WINGS
Thanks. Oh they were great! (Rolls eyes) I’m trying to dodge freedom fighter radar
over San Salvador and they’re showing me pictures of their grandchildren. God, I hate tourists.
CAPTAIN
And
coursen’ they can’t be taken commercial airlines, I suppose.
WINGS
Oh no,
heaven forbid they have to rely on someone else’s schedule. It must be nice to have more money than you
know what to do with.
(Suddenly a waterlogged man enters from down left and staggers to the bar, coughing and choking.)
DOUG
(Barely
able to get the words out)
Help me…
fell in… water… almost drowned… choking… need CPR… (Doug falls to the floor, unconscious at the feet of Wings. Everyone looks at him calmly.) Please… Someone… (Cough) Help… me…
breath… (Pause)
WINGS
Captain?
(Captain Chuck shrugs, rises and crosses to Doug. Before he gets there, Doug leaps up and sits at the bar.)
DOUG
Alright,
geez! How can you be so cold when
you’re so hot? I can’t wait for the
tourist season to start again so there’ll be some women down here who can
appreciate me!
SHELLY
Women who
don’t know all of your lines, you mean.
CAPTAIN
Aye, like
“You’re so beautiful, do you work someplace where I can come and pay to see you
naked?”
DOUG
That’s an
extremely pleasant compliment that any woman would be honored to receive! And a perfect example of what I’m talking
about. I’m a warm, friendly, caring
man. But here I am, almost thirty and
never once has a teenage cheerleading squad on spring break kidnapped me and
taken me back to their condo for a weekend of carnal delights! Why?
Is there something wrong with me?
WING
Yeah,
pretty much.
SHELLY
Don’t you
have any morals, Doug?
DOUG
That’s
what I’m saying! I’m all about
morals. What’s the ultimate moral
code? The Golden Rule, right? “ Do unto others as you would have others do
unto you!” So, if I want you’re naked
body wrapped around mine for hours of body oil oozing fun, then I’m morally
obligated to try to do the same to you!
SHELLY
Speaking
of what you want to do to me, I see your name on the order sheet for a supply
of post cards that I received yesterday.
Are you ordering stock for my gift shop?
DOUG
You were
out filling up that cigarette boat. I
was trying to be helpful!
SHELLY
But why
did you have to get these?
WINGS
What did
he get?
SHELLY
(Displaying
a package of post cards)
Some girl in a bikini about to be bitten on
the butt by an alligator.
WINGS
You
already have a whole case of those.
DOUG
No you
don’t, these are different! Those other
ones have a blond about to be bitten by a crocodile, these are a brunette being
bitten by an alligator. They’re totally
different.
WINGS
You’ve got
to be kidding?
DOUG
Look, you
can tell by the shape of the snout!
WINGS
Her’s or
the crocodile’s?
SHELLY
Really,
Doug, don’t try doing my job. Just
stick to selling your timeshares.
WINGS
Yeah, you
don’t see us trying to rip off tourists with overpriced, beachfront erosion
traps, do you?
DOUG
You’re
mean.
SHELLY
I’m going
to use them as glass coasters.
DOUG
So what’s
with the new boat out there?
WINGS
Yeah, I
meant to ask about that too.
CAPTAIN
What boat
would that be?
(He
crosses to the window)
SHELLY
Oh, they
just launched her yesterday. There have
been a couple of guys prepping her all week.
WINGS
Work crew?
SHELLY
Four
sweating, shirtless hunks climbing around… I love my job.
WINGS
Yeah,
great. You’re serving lemonade to the
diet coke construction worker and I’m flying Fred and Ethyl Mertz to Ricky
Ricardo’s homeland. Were they hot?
SHELLY
Very.
DOUG
You know,
I’m willing to take off more than my shirt for you guys.
WINGS
Doug, why
do you have to ruin a perfectly nice image?
CAPTAIN
She’s
‘bout a forty foot sloop… Nay, she’ a ketch, isn’t she. In my day, o’course, no vessel would be made
of fiberglass. ‘Tis no material to be
makin’ ships out of. No character. I bet she snaps in half with the first big
wave.
DOUG
So what do
you think she’ll sleep. About eight?
SHELLY
Oh no,
Doug! You’re going to leave this one
alone!
CAPTAIN
Aye, I was
dumb enough t’let ye take out me pride and joy and ye scuttled her with your
crazy schemes!
DOUG
That
wasn’t my fault!
CAPTAIN
Not your
fault? Who do you expect to blame fer
runnin’ Cuban refugees into the country with my trawler?
DOUG
It was
just a sight seeing tour! Obviously I’m
going to get close to the shoreline of Miami, that’s where the sites are! I’m sure the fact that it was within’
swimming distance had nothing to do with the unusually high rate of people
falling overboard. Besides, it did
great business!
CAPTAIN
And you
thought you could outrun the coast guard?
That was stupid! My trawler
couldn’t do more than 7 or 8 knots!
DOUG
You don’t
put enough faith in that old cruiser. I
could have snuck away and hidden if they hadn’t started firing at me. The coast guard sank her, I didn’t!
CAPTAIN
It was
themed out like an old pirate ship! How
the hell did you expect to hide from them!
DOUG
Have you
seen how many fake pirate ships there are in the keys! And you’re not one to talk! I’ve heard about all of your little
adventures.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, I
always got away with it, but it was my boat!
I knew what I was doing with her!
Imagine what it feels like to dodge them for almost fifty years and
suddenly find out that some twerp has gotten your livelihood blown out of the
water by the Coast Guard! Now what am I
suppose to do? I’ve got nothing left by
my rum and my memories.
SHELLY
You’re
loosing your accent there, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Aw screw
it; there aren’t any tourists around anyway.
WINGS
Nice job,
Doug, ruining a man’s life.
DOUG
Sure, but
the Bacardi company thanks me.
CAPTAIN
But I’ll
be damned if I let that happen to anyone else’s brand new boat. If you so much as touch her, I swear I’ll
kill you myself!
(Sherri enters from Shelly’s living area. She is a younger version of Shelly. She is wearing a bikini and carrying a blanket.)
DOUG
Well, good
morning, Sherri.
SHERRI
(Ignoring
Doug)
Good
Morning Shelly, did you make any more lemonade?
SHELLY
Right
here. (Pours her some) Sunbathing again today?
SHERRI
My
horoscope says that my aura is in need of a solar recharge. Being naked under the heavens gives me a
chance to expose my soul to visions of the order and destiny of my spirit. I also want to try out my new mantra. (She goes upstairs and disappears to the
roof, leaving the door open.)
DOUG
Why does
she always act like I’m not in the room?
WINGS
Relax Mr.
Ego; she treats us all like that.
SHELLY
She just
has a little bit of a hard time acknowledging the presence of others. It’s nothing personal, Doug.
DOUG
It really
is such a sad case… Do you think I have a chance with her?
SHELLY
You touch
her and I’ll kill you.
DOUG
Why does
everyone always say that to me?
WINGS
How’s she
doing?
SHELLY
She’s
still taking Mom’s death pretty hard.
Now she thinks that everyone is going to leave her, so she’s safer being
alone. Doctors have some big words for
it, of course. She says the sun helps
give her a bright focus in her life.
She’s built a little hideaway up on the roof complete with a
hammock. She says sleeping naked out
under the stars helps her realize her place in the cosmos. I don’t care, as long as it helps her feel
better.
CAPTAIN
Is she
still taking that dingy of yours out to collect shells?
SHELLY
Oh yeah, at least once a week. She
wants to be helpful. At least she
brings in some stock that I can actually sell.
DOUG
Easy for
you to say…
WINGS
Sea Shelly’s
Shanty wouldn’t be the same if she didn’t sell seashells by the seashore.
SHELLY
I’ve never
liked that; I can’t believe I’m living it now.
DOUG
I’ve got a
better one for you, “There was a young barmaid from the keys…”
SHELLY
Shut up,
Doug!
(A gust of wind blows Sherri’s bikini top through the door and down the stairs, landing near Doug)
SHERRI
(Calling
from upstairs)
Oh, I’m sorry, the wind blew my top away;
will you bring it up please?
DOUG
(Heading
toward the stairs with the top)
This sounds
like a job for “Mr. Gallantry”!
(Wings steps over to him, grabs his arm, twists it around his back and takes away the bikini top.)
WINGS
Sorry,
Mistress Morality is defeating you again.
(She takes the top upstairs.)
DOUG
(Sits back
at the bar)
Curses! Foiled again! Shelly, you have to get her to notice me. A beautiful crazy girl… That’s perfect for
me! We’re destined to be together.
SHELLY
One word
Doug… HA!!!
DOUG
That’s not a word; it’s a sound effect. Come on, what do you want to do, keep her a virgin her whole life? Aren’t you afraid she’ll be sacrificed to some volcano god or something? I mean, hey, I’m only trying to look out for her well being!
SHELLY
Doug, go
sit down and play with your naked lady cards.
DOUG
They
aren’t “naked lady cards”, they’re
“nudes of the world” cards. It’s a
cultural thing. (Crosses to Wings
who is coming back down the stairs) Wings,
Babe, how about taking me in a little spin in your plane?
WINGS
Only if I
get to throw you out.
DOUG
No,
really, just a little buzz over the island.
(Looks at the roof) I
want to scout this area for a better parking place. It gets so hard during season.
(Pulls out his wallet) I could make it worth your while.
WINGS
Doug…
HA!!!
DOUG
Do you two
get together to write these monologues?
Come on, Wings, how about just letting me borrow your plane for a few
minutes?
WINGS
(Coldly)
You can’t
fly.
DOUG
Sure I
can, I’ve been over at the library reading about piloting all week for just
such an emergency.
WINGS
Even if
you could fly, your track record with borrowed items is pretty disgusting. You sank the Captain’s boat, you drove
Shelly’s car off the bridge, and your brother in law’s mobile home got washed
away with the tide when you parked on the beach so you could fool around with
that red head! You’ve sank every known
form of transportation except an airplane and you’re not going to start with
mine. So forget it! You are never going to so much as step foot
on my plane as long as I live! (Doug
sulks away and sits behind a magazine on the sofa down left.)
DOUG
Fine! See if I ever invite you two over to my
place to try out my new wave maker in my waterbed.
SHELLY
Right, you
wish.
DOUG
Well,
yeah, I do. So what do you say, does
this weekend look good?
SHELLY
Doug, we’re not going to bed with you!
WINGS
That’s
right, you’d probably sink us too.
(Kevin and Kelly enter and survey the premises.)
KEVIN
Well, here
it is. This is the address they gave
me.
KELLY
(Looking
around)
Beautiful,
it looks like Gilligan and the Skipper did the interior design.
KEVIN
Come on,
it’s got atmosphere! It’s got
character! Look, it’s even got those
coconuts carved into monkey heads! This
is great! (Crosses to the bar) Excuse me, are one of you Shelly?
SHELLY
That would
be me. Hello.
KEVIN
Hi, my
name’s Kevin Davis and this is my wife Kelly.
(Kelly waved half-heartedly)
We just got here from Iowa.
KELLY
And boy,
are our arms tired.
KEVIN
No Dear,
that’s only when I say, “we just flew here” then you say “and boy are our arms
tired.”
KELLY
Oh, I’m
sorry.
KEVIN
That’s all
right, Sweetheart. I’m sorry I didn’t
start out right.
SHELLY
I’m Shelly
Dreyfus, the owner of this humble little shanty.
KEVIN
Nice to
meet you. I understand that they
delivered our new boat here.
WINGS
The Ketch?
KEVIN
Oh there’s
no catch. We won it fair and square on
“Family Price of Fortune.” We were the
grand champions three straight weeks in a row.
Is it here?
SHELLY
Right
outside that window.
KEVIN
(Crosses
to the window)
Isn’t it beautiful?
KELLY
(To Kevin)
Why does it have two sailing posts?
KEVIN
In case
one of them breaks off, I guess.
KELLY
Does that
happen a lot?
CAPTAIN
I take it
we can assume that ye haven’t done a lot ‘o sailin’ out there in Iowa?
KEVIN
Never, but
I’m pretty good at driving things.
KELLY
Kevin won the County Bumper Car Driving Award last year at the fair. He can drive anything.
KEVIN
I’m sure
we can figure it out pretty easily.
Besides, it’s not like there are any trees to run into out there in the
ocean, right?
WINGS
I gather
that “sailing” wasn’t the topic you won with on that game show?
KEVIN
No, the final round category was “Renaissance Crockery.”
KELLY
That was
before Tupperware, you know.
DOUG
I’ve
always wondered why those game show contestants seemed so stupid when it looks
so easy at home. Now I think I
understand.
CAPTAIN
I can’t
stand to see a fine ship go down so fast after launchin’. If you folks would like a little trainin’,
I’ll be glad to take you out and show you the ropes.
KEVIN
Well, thank you, sir. That’s awful
nice.
SHELLY
If you
need to know anything about anything, the Captain here’s the one to see.
CAPTAIN
That’s
mighty nice, Shelly. Say, how about
another drink. And save yerself some
runnin’ and leave the bottle where I ken reach it.
KELLY
Uh, Kevin,
he seems kind of drunk. Do you think
that’s safe?
KEVIN
I’m sure
he won’t be when he takes us out, Kell.
Besides, we won’t let him drive.
SHELLY
I’m sorry,
I should introduce everyone, this is Captain Chuck Feldman, island historian,
nautical expert and colorful hero.
SHELLY
And over
here is “Wings” Harrington.
KEVIN
I take it
you’re a pilot?
DOUG
For god’s
sake man, look at her! If she was named
after a piece of chicken, “wings” would be the last choice!
SHELLY
She’s an
exceptional pilot. If you’re planning
on any local travel, Wings here flies a Grumman Seaplane commercially.
WINGS
(Hands
them a business card)
“Let the flying Dolphin be your
chariot.” I hate that slogan, I hate
that name and I hate all advertising geeks who make up stupid slogans. How’re you doin’.
KELLY
Nice to
meet you.
SHELLY
And sulking over there in the corner is Doug Brookfield. Say hello, Doug.
DOUG
(Looking
over his magazine)
Any chance you’d be looking for someplace to
live while you’re down here with your boat?
KEVIN
Uh, no. I figured we’d be able to just stay on the boat.
DOUG
That’s
what I figured.
(Disappears back behind the magazine.)
SHELLY
So, what
do you do up there in Iowa?
KEVIN
We’re
Elementary School Teachers.
KELLY
Yup, we’re
building the youth of tomorrow.
WINGS
Great.
CAPTAIN
Aye, isn’t it.
KELLY
And we
both teach at the same school. Kevin
teaches fifth grade and I teach fourth.
Isn’t that the cutest thing?
WINGS
I just
think a couple named Kevin and Kelly is the cutest.
KELLY
Oh, I
know! Everyone teases us about having
the same initials. At our wedding Uncle
Clyde kept looking at the napkins and saying “Who’s who?” So now everyone just calls us the KD’s.
SHELLY
(Stunned) Wow…
KEVIN
So how about you, Shelly. What brought you down here?
SHELLY
I’m
originally from Cincinnati. I just
decided to come down here and set up a shop.
WINGS
That’s
right. Shelly’s that girl from the
Jimmy Buffet song.
KEVIN
Oh. (Pause)
KELLY
Who’s
Jimmy Buffet?
SHELLY
You don’t
know who Jimmy Buffet is? That can get
you into serious trouble in the Keys.
WINGS
You don’t
go to New York and ask, “Who’s Sinatra?”
you don’t go to Tennessee and ask who Elvis is…
CAPTAIN
And you
don’t mess around with Jim!
(Sherri enters from the upstairs door. She is carrying a large, old nautical chart in front of her. Due to the size of the map, we can’t see most of Sheri.)
SHELLY
Sherri! We have guests.
SHERRI
We do?
SHELLY
Yes and you forgot to put your suit back on.
(Doug nearly hurts himself snapping around to look. But Sherri has wrapped the map around herself.)
SHERRI
I’m sorry;
I’ll go get a robe.
(She exits
through Shelly’s door)
DOUG
No, no